[	Holy Cow! I'm feelin	|	restless	]
[	Man this is a good song!	|	The Darkness: I believe in a thing called love <---hell yeah	]

Ok today was accually semi good. Janelle spent the night last night. We didn't do much, which i felt kinda bad about, but i was tired. I enjoyed her company though. We watched Peter Pan the real one, and man is that little boy cute. Shit if i was Wendy i would never leave neverland. but maybe thats because i hate the world anyway. But come on, dancing in the air....lucky girl. So yeah anyway, i also like one of the lost boys. He keeps making stupid comments. I love him. He says their nasty characters about, and says weird things like that. Funny guy. Well anyway back to reality. So janelle and I slept. Then we woke up this morning. We talked for about 30mins and then she went home to clean the house for her birthday dinner. I had jeff come pick me up and we went to sears for some clothes. Got that done and then went and got janelle a b-day present. Jeff got her a cute rock bracelet that he remembered i told him about. Janelle use to have one but all the rocks fell off....lol. So he got her a new one. Then we went to his house and i played the piano. It was fun. Jeff wanted to cuddle with me, but I was way more amused with the piano. I'm not sure about him and me together. He knows it too. Its scared about me falling in love with someone else. I can't blame him i do joke around about it all the time. I tell him when i go to mexico that i'll fuck some random guy. I'll probably be drunk. eh i don't care. Well i was maninly just joking but you always have to watch me anyway. So yeah, jeff and I are a no-show right now. I don't want to hurt him and tell him i like other people, or anything. I love the guy to death, but i can't tell if its as a friend or as a boyfriend. I'm kind of scared to have a boyfriend. I mean I've had a few and they were the worst ones ever. They hurt me soo bad. Like major bad. Like i'll go throw myself into a river and kill myself bad. It stunk. Yeah so today. I went off topic again, i'm sorry how i do that its just that i can not go to sleep at all because i have 50 things on my mind, but about my day first. So then I went to janelle's around 5:30 like she told me to. We hung out and what not, but we started talking. Just about random things. I told her that we were going down to the coast in about 2-3weeks before 4th. She was excited. But thats when all my weird thinking shit started happening. It reminded me about all the good times i use to have. I miss them. I miss the old gabe before carrie turned him. I miss that time that denise went to the beach with janelle and I and she kept poking janelle in the sleeping bag, And the 4th where Forrest gave me alcohol, and sean burnt his ass on the firework. When i would just sit on my rock. Hanging with gabe at the school. Having the wind blow threw my hair and being cold as i sat on the pier and thought what i should do next, or just sit there. Tom and the video store. Popcorn! Are you ready for the race? And when zach rolled down the stairs to cheer me up, but he ended up having a spoon in his pocket. And when Alex kept following gabe and I playing the guitar. And when janelle and I drew faces on our chins. that was great. When everyone snuck over in the middle of the night, just to see us. kiacking! When Steven dared janelle to run down the street without her top. When janelle like a special someone down there, and they made-out on the coach. The skater park. Licking ice cream off the ground when it melted. Gabes mom. Jumping off the pier, eating skippers, going to san luis and shopping, good ol bre that gave me more attention than my own best friend down there.

I miss her. I wish she was here. I bet things wouldn't be so hard if I got to know her more and became friends with her. I was accually jelous of her. I feel like a bitch now. She was what i wanted to be, she had everything i wanted. I really wish she was here. Just seeing her house makes me feel lonely. Rest Bre. More people loved you than you know.

When I made out with Forrest. It was not the Barry White. ok now i'm crying again. Or the time Forrest and eddy took janelle and I fishing. Or even just the time that we all went to box at the park. Me thinking i was awesome and trying to beat up zach when he just threw me over his shoulders. I miss everything so fucking much. I could tell you a life time of stories from over there. And it hurts so bad that its never going to be like that again. Everyones gone. It feels like I was just a lie. I big fat nothing. I feel used and unwanted. I don't talk to anyone down there but from what i hear or read everyone is doing ok. I'm happy about that. But i'm also unhappy because they aren't trying to see how i am. Once again it doesn't matter. I'll be on the beach soon enough. Janelle....you'll have to leave me alone for about 3-4 hours so i can just sit on my rock and tkae as much in and get all this shit out of me. I'll drop you off at the video store or something. I really need that from you. Please. It would mean so fucking much to me. You more than anyone know i NEED this. well i'm tired of bitching, i had a lot more on my mind but i'll write some more later. Good night

Yes Janelle... i updated